Ask anyone who’s been betrayed, and they’ll tell you that the “knife in the back” is not only a metaphor but an actual physical sensation. It’s been over ten years since I felt double-crossed by a business partner and walked away empty-handed from what I had believed was my purpose in life. The experience broke something inside me, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially when I realize that what broke was my naive and innocent belief that a good, honest conversation and mutual compromise could overcome any conflict. Sometimes, nothing can.

Mistrustful of everyone

In the immediate months following my betrayal, I felt suspicious of everyone. I wondered: if someone could encourage me to open up to them only to use that information against me later on, couldn’t anyone? I started to wonder if promises and agreements were nothing more than ruses to hide ulterior motives. Was I a fool? Was everyone out to get me? These dangerous questions threatened to put all my relationships under a dark cloud of mistrust.

Incessant suspicion was an uncomfortable mental place to be in. I had always prided myself on my trusting nature. But this meant I had often shared intimacies with people before they had earned the right to hear them. I had believed that a strong, reciprocal relationship could always outweigh personal ambition. I hadn’t considered that often, blind ambition is precisely the energy that destroys personal relationships.

With time and deliberate inner work, I uncovered the hidden gem inside the pain of my betrayal: a richer connection to my intuition, which then helped me establish confidence as I stepped out to build better relationships, and trust, once again. 

Here are the steps I went through to heal from betrayal and trust myself and others again.

1. Understand that it’s not about you

Betrayal feels very personal, but it’s important to remember that other people’s actions have more to do with their inner landscape than with you. They might be trying to prove something to themselves or others. Or, perhaps your energy reminds them of a previous relationship, and they are acting out of habit, insecurity, fear, or protection. Really, none of this is your business. When someone betrays your trust, understand that they would do that to anyone in your shoes. No amount of wondering why they did it helps with the healing, so if you can, let those thoughts and ideas go.

2. Understand that it’s completely about you

Wait, didn’t I just say that it wasn’t about you? Yes. But also: it’s entirely about you. Meaning this: betrayal of your trust by someone else reflects a betrayal of yourself by yourself. For example, in my situation, my body had tried to warn me in a hundred different ways that something wasn’t right. But, I dismissed the headaches, insomnia, and nightmares. So—where was the real betrayal? 

None of this is to transfer blame from the other person to yourself. It’s more practical than that: becoming aware of where or how we have wronged ourselves is how we ensure we don’t do it again. As author Byron Katie says, “As long as you think that the cause of you problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless.”

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” – Socrates

3. Forgive…or not

Many people believe that forgiveness is an important part of healing from betrayal. I agree that it can be, but forgiveness is a complicated thing, one that we often misunderstand. Often, we offer it too soon, trying to pretend that we’re “above it all” before we’ve fully processed the hurt. 

For forgiveness to be freeing, it needs to be an act that is all about what it does for you, not the other person, not a bystander, not even a well-meaning advisor. And forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing that person back into your life again at any level. When forgiveness works best, it resets your boundaries—the same boundaries that were violated in the relationship. And, it helps you reclaim space in your heart and mind that was transgressed. 

4. Cut ties

To effectively heal from a betrayal, you have to put yourself in a protective bubble. The best way to do this is to cut all ties, whether this is on social media or leaving in-person friend groups or social circles. For the time being, you need to put your well-being ahead of everyone else. While this can feel like extra punishment, wrapping yourself in a protective bubble means that you won’t suddenly see a picture come across your phone that reopens wounds that were just about to heal. Yes, you’re strong, but being around people who remind you of the offender will only slow your healing.

Don’t forget the energetic ties, too, and cut the “chords” that were created between you. This can be done via journaling or meditation, where you visualize these connections and imagine taking scissors to them. You will be amazed at how quickly this simple practice frees up space in your mind and heart.

5. Renegotiate your relationships

This is the step where you get to renegotiate your relationships—starting with the one with yourself. Can you see the signs you missed? Can you make peace with your emotions and body for their efforts in the situation? And, will you commit to listening more closely to the still, small voice within you that might point out something you don’t want to see? While we can’t always heal the damage betrayal does in a relationship, we can develop a deeper reliance on our body’s signs and signals from now on. 

You know you’re healing when…

You know you’re healing when you can look back on a person or an event and not feel your heart race or your palms sweat. You’re healing when that person doesn’t take up so much space or time in your life, or when hours or days go by without thinking of them. And, after enough time goes by, you know you are healed when you can look back with compassion for yourself while also recognizing how much wiser you’ve become. One day, you might even thank that person for making you who you are today. I know that sounds crazy, especially if you’re fresh off a betrayal. Ten years ago, I would have agreed that the idea of thanking my ex-partner was bonkers. But here I am, and I have nothing in my heart left around this situation except gratitude and understanding.

No one ever wants to experience a betrayal. But, if you do find yourself with the proverbial knife in your back, you can use these steps to melt that knife into wisdom, discernment, and a more intimate, trusting relationship with yourself, which will translate into healthier relationships with others going forward.

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The recent development of trauma-informed yoga (or trauma-sensitive yoga) has shed light on the meaningful benefits of yoga when specifically tailored to help trauma survivors. Long after a traumatic experience has ended, trauma reverberates throughout the mind and body in ways that can lead to mental and physical depletion, as well as a desire to dissociate from life. With the goal of helping traumatized individuals regain a sense of safety and self-regulation through heightened body awareness and re-engagement, trauma-informed yoga explores the specific sensitivities harbored by people suffering from the effects of trauma. Recent studies have illuminated the efficacy of treating people with trauma-informed yoga classes in populations such as girls in the juvenile justice system, survivors of sexual abuse, and veterans.

What is Trauma-Informed Yoga?

Trauma-informed yoga is a modern style of hatha yoga that’s been adapted for people who have experienced previous traumatic events. The specific teaching techniques of this type of yoga allows an individual to do yoga in a class with minimized trauma triggers and use mindful and grounding tools provided to cope with the aftereffects of a trauma. The practice creates a sense of safety, comfort and peace to help process and release traumatic memories. A trauma-sensitive yoga class is carefully structured to create a sense of safety, comfort and peace to help process and release traumatic events.

Trauma-informed yoga proposes that traumatic memories lurk in the physical sensations of the body. The dissociation that often accompanies trauma can feel strategic and vital to the traumatized individual, forming a protective layer that serves to obscure the fear and vulnerability of an experience. Someone who is sexually assaulted by an acquaintance, for instance, may cut themselves off from any feeling of connection or intimacy with another individual for fear of bringing back the confusion of their betrayal. Dissociation becomes a secret weapon against manipulation and abuse; a trick to stay in control so something like that never happens again. Trauma-informed yoga attempts to address the dissociation embodied in these individuals and provide a means to overcome it.

A Trauma-Informed Yoga class is more than just asanas. It’s a complete holistic program designed to help you approach and overcome your trauma and move into a place of healing and growth.

A trauma-sensitive yoga teacher has a deep understanding of trauma and is aware of the possibility that students may experience traumatic reactions during class. The teacher focuses on the breath and encourages students to connect to their physical body in order to center themselves. Teachers are mindful of their words and language and give students a sense of control over their experience.

Principles of Trauma-Sensitive Yoga Classes

• Creates a safe, trusting and non-judgmental environment
• Honors and listens to the body and breath
• Grants permission for self-exploration
• Strengthens the mind-body connection
• Connects with the breath to help slow down and relax
• Deepens awareness of the physical body
• Encourages self-regulation, self-calming, and self-soothing
• Teaches how to release and let go
• Builds motivation, curiosity, and self-esteem

The Healing Power of Trauma-Informed Yoga Practices

In a recent report by Georgetown Law’s Center on Poverty and Inequality, trauma-informed yoga unveiled the potential for profound neurological and physical transformations among traumatized girls incarcerated into the juvenile justice system. The trauma-informed yoga teachers guided the girls through focused breathing, yoga poses, and mindfulness practices, all in the context of heightened sensitivity to their traumas. Rebecca Epstein, lead author of the report and executive director of Georgetown Law’s Center on Poverty and Inequality, explained that these tools have the potential to slow the girls’ responses to stressful situations and rewire their brains so that they pause before having a destructive reaction.

Missy Hart, a survivor of sexual abuse and gang-related street trauma who was incarcerated into the juvenile justice system in Palo Alto, CA, told NPR how trauma-informed yoga helped with her healing process from sexual abuse. Hart appreciated the modifications in the trauma-informed yoga sessions that aimed to address specific sensitivities.

“They always ask you if you want to be touched,” Hart said about the instructor’s adjustment in a pose. “I see now that really helped me.”

“Being asked to be touched, it gave us a little power back in a place where all our power is taken,” she explained.

Trauma-Informed Yoga Creates a Safe Space

A person who has been sexually abused may not feel comfortable with another person’s touch or closing their eyes within a group of people. Trauma-informed yoga instructors make an increased effort to help students feel empowered and safe enough to let down their barriers and reconnect their mind with their bodies.

Likewise, veterans returning from war who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) learn to suppress sensation as a way to avoid the horror of their memories and have also found relief through trauma-informed yoga. Recent studies at the Trauma Center and the Department of Defense, have offered evidence that trauma-informed yoga has the potential to bolster the recovery of veterans suffering from PTSD.

Reports by individual veterans also suggest promising results. Marine Sgt. Senio Martz told the Huffington Post how trauma-informed yoga has helped him with his PTSD after returning home from Afghanistan, following an explosion of a deadly roadside bomb that knocked him unconscious, and killed Marines under his command.

In the Huffington Post article, he recounts the constant feeling of anxiety and hyper-vigilance that won’t let him rest since the blast; the sense of guilt and responsibility that keeps him poised for danger at all times, while remaining locked in an emotional numbness. Thus, a wave of relief overtakes him during his yoga practice. As he engages with his own sensations in a safe context of guided movement and breathing, he can finally let his guard down and relax.

“I gotta push myself to try some of these techniques,” Martz said in the article. “But last night after yoga, I had a good sleep. That’s a place I haven’t been in a long, long time.”

Benefits of Trauma-Informed Yoga

• Encourages a sense of belonging and trust
• Fosters a sense of empowerment and control
• Decreases the overall effects of PTSD
• Increases energy and concentration
• Builds mental and emotional resiliency and stability
• Reduces stress, anxiety, depression, and insomnia

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