You swear you’ll never do it again. 

Yet, no matter how hard you try, nothing but narcissists land in your romantic lap. 

So now you’re wondering: Why am I attracted to narcissists, and how do they find me?

Well, friend, you’ve landed in exactly the right place — because today, we’re talking about why you allow these people in your life and how to avoid narcissists in the future.

Let’s get into it.

What Kind of Person Attracts Narcissists?

What kind of person attracts narcissists?

While everyone has a type, people with extreme narcissistic tendencies are usually attracted to certain traits, including self-doubt, excellent hygiene, and helpfulness.

You may ask, “Excellent hygiene and helpfulness are good qualities, though! Don’t narcissists fall on the nastier side of the scale?”

You’re right.

But here’s the thing: narcissists can better manipulate people with gentler qualities — and they can spot folks with these qualities from miles away.  

Typically, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder avoid folks who:

• Have a healthy self-confidence
• Can spot red flags
• Have a firm sense of self
• Are casual and discerning
• Aren’t status-obsessed
• Speak their mind

Why Do I Attract Narcissists? 7 Possible Reasons 

What are narcissists attracted to, and why do they seem to find you like a heat-seeking missile?

It could be a million things, but the seven points listed below are ubiquitous.

1. You’re Very Good Looking

People with extreme narcissistic tendencies tend to be better-looking than “average” folks. Why? 

Since they love to be the center of attention, they take immaculate care of themselves. Likewise, they prefer to be with partners who are equally good-looking and put together.

They also put a lot of stock in status.

So, if you’re a wealthy scion with a Harvard degree and a gorgeous face, expect to be heavily pursued by narcissists.

Bonus Point: If your partner constantly comments on what you’re wearing or encourages you to change, it’s not a good sign.

People should like you for you and shouldn’t try to micromanage your life. Narcissists are notorious for puppeteering their significant others.

2. You’re a People Pleaser

Are you a people pleaser? 

If so, you may find yourself locked in relationships with an excessive number of narcissists. People pleasers are givers; many believe they can “change” other folks. They like to feel wanted and helpful.

Unfortunately, narcissists hook victims by love-bombing, and people pleasers gobble it up.

It’s not wrong to be kind, compassionate, and helpful. Just make sure it doesn’t blind you to bad folks.

Bonus Point: If you’re always the one who must change your plans — or you find yourself constantly apologizing for minuscule reasons — take a step back and try to assess the situation from a more objective viewpoint.

Are you really at fault, or is your partner nitpicky and unreasonable?

3. You’re Sweet and Successful

Have you spent your life doing everything right? Have you worked hard and done well? Do you have impeccable manners? 

Answering yes to all three questions is yet another red flag, and there’s a better than average chance you’ve attracted your fair share of narcissists.

As we’ve mentioned, people with NPD prefer partners who present well. So they’ll go out of their way to snag someone with “the whole package.”  

Bonus Point: Do they lose their $#!+ when you make common, understandable mistakes? If so, get out now.

4. You Were Raised by a Narcissistic Parent or Are One

People raised by narcissists are much more likely to end up in a relationship with one. After all, if your “normal” involves placating people with NPD, then you’re probably very good at it. Heck, you may not even notice when you’re doing it.

The other possibility is that you, too, fall closer to the NPD side of the scale. Double-narcissistic couples can start off wonderfully. You may think you’ve found your soul mate. But in short order, things explode.

Why? Because you’re both fighting to be the center of attention — and the competition becomes too hot to handle.

Bonus Point: If you think you may have narcissistic tendencies, consider doing some shadow work.

5. You Have a Savior Complex

Are you the type of person who’s always looking to save others? It’s a commendable trait in healthy doses, but things can go left quickly if you develop a complex. 

For starters, people with savior complexes tend to be…well…a tad full of themselves. They believe they have all the answers and are best positioned to fix every problem.

Saviors and narcissists work well together in the beginning. The savior wants to rehabilitate the narcissist, and the narcissist likes the enraptured attention offered by the savior. 

The problem is that most narcissists never wake up to the fact that they’re the problem, so the relationship doesn’t have room to grow and change.

Plus, the savior may lose interest when they realize they can’t do their favorite thing: turning people around.

Bonus Point: People must save themselves. It’s the only way. If you find yourself playing the role of savior, consider doing some deep shadow work to uncover why you try to impose your values on other people.

6. You’re Empathic

Why are empaths attracted to narcissists? Empathic people are highly-sensitive and sometimes upload the troubles and baggage of those around them. It’s also another personality trait that’s highly attractive to narcissists. 

Like saviors, empaths want to rescue people and are therefore targets for narcissists. 

No one gets me like you do. I’ve never felt this way about anybody. I feel so lucky to have found you, and I’ll never let you go! Narcissists will say things like this by the second date, which feeds the empathic ego.

But the further things progress, the more contentious things become. The empath of the relationship may also suffer serious mental health breaks because they’re dealing with everyone else’s emotions in addition to their own.

Bonus Point: In recent years, it’s become trendy to declare oneself an empath. But in reality, very few people are. To get a better reading, visit a life coach or therapist who will help you better understand yourself.

7. You’re Codependent

Codependent people can be extremely sweet and generous, but they can also be exceptionally needy. At their worst, codependent folks are clingy.

Since they’re parched for love and affection, codependent people will allow people with narcissistic tendencies to dominate every situation.

Bonus Point: Codependent people should seriously consider counseling. Doing so will likely lower anxiety levels and teach you how to enjoy “alone time.” 

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How to Stop Attracting Narcissists 

We’ve discussed why you may be a narcissist’s target. But now, let’s talk about how to break the pattern and learn a new relationship dynamic.

What strategies can you implement to repel narcissists?

• Set Firm Boundaries: Don’t accept less than you give; set firm boundaries and clearly communicate them early on. If the other person respects your wishes, great! If not, consider getting out sooner rather than later.
• Develop Self-Confidence: Self-confidence is a balm for life’s troubles. Besides, narcissists typically stay far away from strong people with healthy self-esteem.
• Enlist a Therapist or Coach: Mental health is just as important as physical health. Finding yourself in relationship after relationship with a narcissist may be a clue that you have some issues to uncover. A therapist or life coach can help you dig up the root of the problem and give you tools to extricate yourself from the situation.
• Do the Research: When we know more, we handle things better. If you find yourself dating a string of narcissists, read up on the topic. Doing so will teach you how to better deal with pathologically self-absorbed people, and you’ll better be able to spot red flags in the future. 
• Don’t Make Looks a Priority: Yes, attraction is an integral part of any relationship — but it’s not the only thing. Before you start a committed relationship, ensure your partner’s beauty does not blind you. Do you have similar interests? Does the other person respect your boundaries? Are they responsible? Are they kind and compassionate? These are questions to prioritize over physical appearance.

Try not to blame yourself if you end up with a narcissist. It happens to the best of us. But try to learn from your missteps to better spot the red flags associated with narcissism.

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If you’re dating a narcissist—or being wooed by one—the weirdness around kissing isn’t always apparent.

Sometimes, they’re all in.

Other times, they keep you at arm’s length and seem barely able to tolerate any lip contact. 

So, do narcissists like to kiss or not?

What’s with the hot-and-cold business?

And what do narcissists want sexually, apart from hearing how great they are in bed?

The answers will probably hurt.

They’ll also set you free. 

Do Narcissists Avoid Intimacy? 

For the narcissist, sex isn’t about intimacy or mutual satisfaction; it’s about self-gratification, power, and ego-enhancement. 

The narcissist is more interested in establishing dominance and maintaining control over others. Intimacy is not a priority; it’s something to avoid. 

So, the answer to the question, “Does a narcissist like to be touched?” is sure, if it’s their idea–and on their terms.

The less it has to do with intimacy or connection, the better. 

If you’re tempted to argue, “But he’s different with me,” it’s probably because the narcissist has you convinced you’re special to them. And, in a sense, you are. 

You’re their favorite plaything. If you doubt that, go ahead and ask them for a cuddle—on your terms—just because you feel a need to connect with them on a deeper level. 

Pay close attention to the way they react.

Do Narcissists Enjoy Kissing? 9 Truths You Need to Know 

Kissing a narcissist isn’t necessarily a bad experience. But it is different from kissing someone who’s genuinely in love with you.

It may not be obvious, at first, when the narcissist is keen on winning you over. 

1. In the beginning, it’s hot and heavy.  

The narcissist will use kissing, hugs, hand-holding, and other romantic gestures to get you hooked. They’ll do whatever they deem necessary to convince you they want you and no one else. If cuddle they must, they’ll be all in. 

Once they’ve got you telling people you’re a couple, though — and once they know you feel invested in a relationship with them — they’ll change their behavior toward you. 

They’ll go from being “crazy in love” to aloof and critical to get you wondering what you did wrong. The answer, if you get one, is basically everything. 

2. That first kiss is an achievement. 

If the narcissist can get close enough to kiss you and get you wanting more, that’s a huge deal for them–especially if they see winning you over as a worthy challenge. 

Make it too easy, and the narcissist is less likely to bother. Or if they do randomly maul a woman whose interest is obvious to them, it’s all about self-gratification or soothing a bruised ego. If you don’t bend to their will right away, they’ll satisfy their urges elsewhere.

It’s easier for a narcissist to feel powerful when they’re plundering someone else. 

3. Kisses are a means to an end. 

They’re something they can use to get you hooked. If they know you enjoy kissing, they’ll make it part of the plan. Just don’t expect them to care much about romance. 

Once they’ve got you, the kissing tends to take a back seat because they don’t need it anymore. If they kiss you at all, it’s more strategic than romantic. They know the bare minimum degree of affection required to keep you around. 

They might only kiss you when you’re having sex because that’s where they shine. Being a rockstar in bed makes it easier for them to keep you in their pocket.

4. It’s not about you; it’s about them.

It’s all about what’s going on in the narcissist’s head. While it might feel personal when the narcissist seems to avoid kissing you, it’s not about your kissing ability or attractiveness. 

The narcissist will kiss you if they stand to gain something from it. Otherwise, they’d rather not. Kissing without a clear payoff is a slippery slope for them. And if you’re the one initiating it, it feels even more like you’re trying to be the one in control. 

And the narcissist will have none of that. 

5. It’s not about intimacy; it’s about control. 

To the narcissist, kissing is something they can use to get you hooked and keep you under their control. It’s not about developing an emotional bond with you. It’s not about responding to your needs or your desire for closeness. 

It’s about getting what they want from you. And intimacy is not on that list. 

If they pull away or avoid kissing, it’s because, at that moment, not kissing you makes them feel more in control. And they want that control more than they want you. 

6. It’s gotta be a thrill. 

Make it exciting for the narcissist, and they’re far more likely to show interest in kissing and sex. Just don’t call it intimacy because that’s not what the narcissist is going for. Go for the adrenaline surge. 

Make it dangerous—for you. Put yourself in an awkward position to show them what you’re willing to risk to get close to them. 

We’re saying this not because we actually want you to put yourself in danger (we don’t) but to illustrate situations in which the narcissist is more likely to kiss you. It’s a game.

7. Timing is important. 

If the narcissist is in a good mood, they’re far more likely to tolerate or even enjoy kissing and showing affection in other ways, especially if they see something to be gained from it. 

If they’re in a bad mood, the odds are good you won’t get anywhere with them. Coming on strong is more likely to get an even stronger negative reaction. 

Trust that if the narcissist seems agitated or unhappy about something, they won’t be soothed by your attempts to love them up. Or if they seem receptive, it’s most likely because they’ve thought of a way to turn it to their advantage. 

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8. They don’t see you; they see something they want from you. 

They don’t really see you as an equal so much as a lesser being put on earth for them to use. They’re not in love because that would require personal investment and would put them in a vulnerable position. 

And why would they risk that for someone they see as beneath them or as less important than their own needs? 

As far as they’re concerned, people are fickle, untrustworthy cretins who can only be faithful to those who dominate them. 

9. They will never satisfy your need to be wanted. 

Or, to put it more accurately, they may want you around to satisfy their needs and gratify their impulses, but to them, you’re replaceable. 

You’re not that one-of-a-kind person they can’t imagine living without. 

They may feel more invested in keeping you around if you satisfy their desire to be needed. Here again, though, it’s about how you make them feel—about themselves. Anyone who did the same for them could take your place in a heartbeat. 

But you’ll do for now.

Do Narcissists Like to Cuddle? 

The following comparisons help explain the narcissist’s aversion to cuddling and being touched: 

• Cuddling comes closer to real intimacy than sex does; 
• Cuddling involves sexual contact without conquest; 
• Cuddling is an expression of genuine affection and tenderness; 
• Sex is more about performance and control (not that it has to be); 
• Kissing can be a gateway to sex; cuddling is a gateway to connection. 

Anything that could put the narcissist at risk of feeling something real for someone else is terrifying to the narcissist, who, after all, can feel things. It’s just they would rather not. 

The hidden cost is too great. 

Now that you’ve had a look at nine revealing truths about narcissists and kissing, which points remind you of someone in your life—or someone who used to be part of it? 

The word “evil” is thrown around a lot when it comes to narcissists, but it’s not that simple. Narcissism is a real and crippling mental illness. It destroys every relationship that could become something real. 

You can’t fix that for them. And you’re not obligated to try. 

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