Setting boundaries with controlling parents can be challenging.

Emotions are flying around from every which way, but there’s also a lot of love and respect in the mix.

You don’t want to hurt your parents’ feelings; you know they’re doing the best they can, just like the rest of us, but at the same time, something has to change, or you’re going to explode.

You’ve reached your limit.  

To that end, today, we’re talking about setting boundaries with parents.

Is It Disrespectful to Set Boundaries With Your Parents? 

Your parents are driving you a bit batty, but you feel bad telling them to back off. After all, they’re your parents. The people who changed your diaper, provided for you, and marshaled you into adulthood.

But sometimes, they cross the line, and you must take measures.

And no, it is not disrespectful to calmly and kindly discuss some common sense boundaries with your parents.

Sure, you may initially hurt their feelings, but it shouldn’t cause too much familial discord if you do it right.

Besides, nine out of 10 parents had the same conversation with their parents decades ago. It’s a parenting rite of passage.

Reasons Why You Need to Set Boundaries with Parents 

Setting boundaries with parents is perfectly normal. Sometimes moms and dads have difficulty letting go, bless their hearts, and need a gentle redirection or correction. 

Outside of extenuating circumstances, setting boundaries almost always leads to more harmonious in-law relations. Everyone respects and understands what’s expected of them and behaves accordingly.  

Types of toxic parental behaviors that may require boundaries include:

• Assumed Authority: Do your parents still act like they’re in control of your life? Yes, if you’re 12, a certain amount of parental supervision is appropriate and acceptable. But if you’re in your 30s, it’s time to cut the umbilical cord. Parents can offer advice, but they can’t tell you what to do. Nor can they get mad if you don’t always pick what they want.
• No Privacy: It’s not OK for parents to rifle through their adult children’s things. You have a right to privacy from your parents when you reach adulthood.
• Dropping By Whenever They Want: In days of old when the Ingalls family was toiling on the midwestern frontier, it was acceptable to stop by peoples’ homes unannounced. They didn’t have smartphones. But today, dropping by unannounced is a high crime. At the very least, text someone a half hour before and ask for permission to stop by. But parents coming and going from their adult children’s homes as they please, without concern for anyone else’s schedule, crosses the line.
• Constant Criticism: Even though your parents probably love you more than anyone else on the planet, they also tend to criticize you more than anyone else.   
• They’re Pathologically Attention-Seeking: Some parents spend their whole lives battling attention issues. Maybe they have NPD or another personality divergence that makes them socially difficult. If they refuse to get help or work with you on mitigating the matter, things can become overly toxic.
• Always Play the Victim: Some people always play the victim. It’s often a behavioral quirk of folks who’ve yet to deal with traumatic events in their lives. After a while, it can become corrosive.

How to Set Boundaries with Parents: 9 Not-So-Painful Ways to Do It 

Do you need examples of boundaries with parents? We’re here to help.

Everyone’s family dynamic is different.

So tweak what you must.

Generally speaking, though, there are nine things you can do to make the boundary drawing process with parents a bit easier for all involved.

1. Think Before You Act

Try not to have an outburst. Sometimes, it happens. But if you can, avoid it.

Before approaching your parents with potential boundaries, think about the logistics. Also, consider their feelings. Is there a reason they’re being clingy? Try to approach everything with compassion leading the way. Planning out the conversation can help. 

2. Prepare and Know Your Material

It may feel silly to practice, but going in with a clear directive is the best course of action. Think about possible routes the conversation could take and prepare for them all. 

Don’t make the conversation a surprise attack. Let your parents know ahead of time that you want to talk about some family things. They deserve to prepare, too.

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3. Expect the Worst and Hope for the Best

Of course, you want everything to go smoothly. Ideally, your parents will apologize profusely and instantaneously tweak their behavior. But it’s much more likely that their feelings will ache, and they’ll completely misinterpret something you say.

Prepare yourself for this probability. And do your best to explain that you love them dearly but just need a bit of space.

4. Don’t Bait Them by Oversharing

You can’t treat people like light bulbs — switching them on and off when it’s convenient for you.

In other words, don’t overshare on Monday and expect them to forget about it on Tuesday. Once you open a conversation with someone, it’s difficult to take it back.

So don’t mistreat others by changing your emotional needs from day to day. Share it if you want your parents and in-laws involved in a conversation. If you don’t, keep it to yourself.

5. Slow Your Argumentation Roll

It’s so easy to get annoyed when frustrations have built over time. Sometimes, things just blow up. But do your best to curb arguments. Try to be the peacemaker.  

Try to remind yourself that you may be the person making a molehill into a mountain.

6. Create Space For Healing

People often need time to adjust to new rules. So if the initial boundary conversation doesn’t go smoothly, give the relationship some space. Time typically heals most wounds.

If it’s been over a week and you haven’t heard from a parent with whom you usually speak daily, give them a call. They may be hurt and need you to reach out. Swallow your pride and just do it. A standoff is silly.

7. Indulge in Self-Care

Setting boundaries with family can be stressful and anxiety-inducing. Throughout the process, take care of yourself. Try to eat healthily, and pamper yourself with some long baths and spa treatments. Imagine how good a massage will feel after politely negotiating a detente with your loving-but-demanding mother-in-law.  

8. Try To Be Fair

Getting older isn’t easy, and sometimes it can feel downright cruel — not to mention that hurdle of getting closer to your own mortality. So try to think about their feelings when crafting boundaries. Try to be fair to everyone, including them.

All things considered, is it really a hassle to have them over once a week for dinner? Double-check that you’re not getting annoyed for the sake of getting annoyed.

9. Be Firm But Kind

Setting boundaries with difficult elderly parents can be the hardest. Sometimes, they lose their ability to care about anyone else’s priorities and try to guilt you with their looming demise. It’s brutal.

But everyone will ultimately be happier if you stick to your guns. Be kind but firm. 

And don’t worry, when they get to this guilt stage, they usually have decades to go. 

Parenting is hard, so try and cut yours some slack. Yes, they may be driving you crazy. And yes, you have every right to establish boundaries — free of guilt. But do your best to be as gentle as possible.

When you’re their age and stressing out your little ones, you’ll appreciate the consideration.

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I’ve lived by the, “Save early, spend later,” motto, influenced greatly by my pragmatic mom, since I first began earning money at a young age. I started with odd jobs like babysitting and refereeing hockey games, moved up to working at fast food restaurants, and, eventually, started my own cleaning and car-washing businesses.

At each step, I learned about delayed gratification: I could either spend my money on video games, sports equipment, and other material things, or I could invest it in my future. Fortunately, I chose the latter. 

In my early teens, I took all of the money I’d earned and put it towards a down payment for a condo. That choice and others taught me about saving and managing my money. They’re key lessons that everyone can use to achieve long-term financial security, and the good news is that it’s never too late to learn them. 

Making My First Investment

When I was fourteen years old, my hometown of Vancouver was in the early innings of a condo boom. My mom had picked up some part-time work with a good friend of hers who was a realtor.  One day, she asked me to go with her to look at a property under development. 

When she and I walked into the less than five-hundred-square foot show suite of the apartment, I knew in my gut that I would buy it. The deal was to put 10 percent down against the $150,000 purchase price upon signing and then pay 5 percent per year until completion, which was scheduled for three years out. 

 The purchase was a no-brainer for me. Although fourteen may sound young to buy real estate, by that time I had saved enough for the down payment, and I liked that it would be a forced savings plan over the next few years. Then, I thought, by the time I reached my late teens or early twenties, I’d have a place to live in or rent out for passive income. 

Buying the condo was my first real investment, and it was also the first step I’d take toward good long-term financial habits. Delaying gratification wasn’t a choice most fourteen year olds would make, but it’s one that, by its definition, paid off later. It’s also something that anyone at any age can practice to get more out of their money. 

“The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term, is the indispensable prerequisite for success.” – Brian Tracy

Learning the Language of Money

Hearing my condo story, you might be wondering whether I made all the right decisions. The answer is “absolutely not.” Do I make all the right decisions today? Of course not. But making financial choices, whether they turn out to be right or wrong, lets you learn. 

Like it or not, money is another language. It takes time to learn the language and then it takes a lifetime to be fluent. When I hear some people say, when asked who manages their money, “I’m not good at it,” or “Someone else deals with that for me,” I speak up. I’m passionate about how pivotal learning the language of money is to one’s financial foundation. This specified literacy undoubtedly contributes overall to your life’s health and stability.

For example, I’ve never had credit card debt in my life; the debt I had—the mortgage for the condo—was on a hard asset. Just looking at the different interest rates convinced me to never take on credit card debt; while a mortgage could be 2 to 3 percent interest, a credit card is often close to 20 percent on the debt. Six or seven years later when I sold the condo, not only had I built equity in the property, it had more than doubled in value. 

Part of becoming fluent in the language of money is learning the difference between good debt (delayed gratification debt that will benefit you in the future) versus bad debt (money down the drain forever). If you can tell the difference, you can avoid many of the common money problems people face. 

Create Your Own Good Fortune

When I bought my condo, I admit I had some good luck with my timing as well as support from my mom. She committed to “matching” my contribution to the down payment and annual payments while I would be solely responsible for the mortgage payments. But I was in the game and willing to write the check into a long-term investment.

At that age, I could have gotten distracted by something shinier like a new car, but I put it all on the line for something I had a feeling would appreciate with time instead. The good news is that you don’t need luck or generous parents to start creating your own fortune. You can begin right now by delaying gratification, avoiding bad debt, and making financial choices that will serve you well in the future. You have all the opportunity in the world to build a life like mine; I just started a little earlier than most.

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Thanks to the COVID-19 vaccinations and regulations, America has been able to re-open. While it’s not the same yet as it was before the pandemic, more people can enjoy activities they once did before the outbreak, like eating out at restaurants, attending sporting events and visiting precious loved ones.

Even though much of America is reopened, the now known Delta variant is on the rise. Many, whom of which may include you, are still understandably concerned about COVID-19 precautions. Others may be racing to get back to normal, but it’s okay to set boundaries and still take caution when out in public or when you’re visiting with others.

COVID-19 lockdowns have certainly increased social anxiety, which is a mental health condition where people feel an intense fear that others are watching and judging them. For example, some may feel judged for wearing a mask outside even though they’re vaccinated. People have become hyper-aware of how they act in public because of COVID and tend to stay away from others, which further feeds that anxiety.

The situation regarding the pandemic is uncomfortable for everyone. It has been one of the most stressful years to date. There’s still uncertainty about what may happen in the upcoming months. However, you can be clear about your boundaries with others.

Here’s how to set comfortable, healthy boundaries in a reopened America.

1. Start By Defining Your Personal Boundaries

You have to know your personal boundaries before you can tell others about them. Take time to think about how you want to live in a reopened country. You might decide to only meet up with others outside. You might choose to continue wearing a mask even if you are vaccinated.

Be consistent with your boundaries when you set them. You can certainly learn all of the facts about the virus and listen to what others tell you, but if that makes you uncomfortable, just follow your feelings and do what is safest for you.

2. Know That It’s Okay To Say No

Since the country has reopened, many have started to participate in or host social gatherings. There are barbeques, festivals and concerts galore. You’ll likely be invited to some of these events.

If you feel unsafe attending, it’s okay to say no. State your boundaries to the invitee and don’t give in to the pressure. You have the right to say no.

3. Communicate With Clearness And Compassion

When you have conversations with others about your health boundaries, state them with clarity and be compassionate. Empathize with the other person’s decisions regarding the pandemic and their health. You may disagree, but you must remain respectful, and they’ll likely reciprocate that respectfulness.

Additionally, be clear about your boundaries. State yours from the start, and ask others about their boundaries as well. These small acts of empathy can go a long way. Thank others who may be visiting with you for wearing their masks or frequently sanitizing their hands.

4. Use Science And Expert Guidance

If you’re still unsure of your boundaries, it’s best to follow reputable sources of information. Not all media and other opinions will provide you with accurate and up-to-date information about the virus. Ensure you take occasional breaks from the news, as watching stories and hearing new information constantly can quickly become emotionally overwhelming.

Follow websites like the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the World Health Organization (WHO) for information. Additionally, limit how often you check the news. Watch it in the morning and the evening to stay updated. Also, follow your local news station as well for updates within your region.

5. Start Small

Reentering a world where the pandemic is still very real can be challenging. If you’re ready to start meeting up with others and want to stretch your boundaries healthily, start small. You don’t need to reenter by attending a massive party with thousands of people.

Instead, evaluate and adjust your boundaries and comfort with each encounter you have with others or with each trip you take to the grocery store. Start by meeting up with a friend in a small outdoor cafe for a cup of coffee. Then maybe you can have a trusted friend or family member come to your home for half an hour. Evaluate how you feel after each encounter. If you don’t feel completely comfortable, take a step back to your original boundaries.

Taking Caution As The Globe Slowly Opens

It can be challenging to have different boundaries and opinions when it comes to reopening America. Remember in this time to do what feels best for you. Set your limits and hold fast to them. Be a source of encouragement for others to set their own boundaries and stay as healthy as possible.

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