Ask anyone who’s been betrayed, and they’ll tell you that the “knife in the back” is not only a metaphor but an actual physical sensation. It’s been over ten years since I felt double-crossed by a business partner and walked away empty-handed from what I had believed was my purpose in life. The experience broke something inside me, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially when I realize that what broke was my naive and innocent belief that a good, honest conversation and mutual compromise could overcome any conflict. Sometimes, nothing can.

Mistrustful of everyone

In the immediate months following my betrayal, I felt suspicious of everyone. I wondered: if someone could encourage me to open up to them only to use that information against me later on, couldn’t anyone? I started to wonder if promises and agreements were nothing more than ruses to hide ulterior motives. Was I a fool? Was everyone out to get me? These dangerous questions threatened to put all my relationships under a dark cloud of mistrust.

Incessant suspicion was an uncomfortable mental place to be in. I had always prided myself on my trusting nature. But this meant I had often shared intimacies with people before they had earned the right to hear them. I had believed that a strong, reciprocal relationship could always outweigh personal ambition. I hadn’t considered that often, blind ambition is precisely the energy that destroys personal relationships.

With time and deliberate inner work, I uncovered the hidden gem inside the pain of my betrayal: a richer connection to my intuition, which then helped me establish confidence as I stepped out to build better relationships, and trust, once again. 

Here are the steps I went through to heal from betrayal and trust myself and others again.

1. Understand that it’s not about you

Betrayal feels very personal, but it’s important to remember that other people’s actions have more to do with their inner landscape than with you. They might be trying to prove something to themselves or others. Or, perhaps your energy reminds them of a previous relationship, and they are acting out of habit, insecurity, fear, or protection. Really, none of this is your business. When someone betrays your trust, understand that they would do that to anyone in your shoes. No amount of wondering why they did it helps with the healing, so if you can, let those thoughts and ideas go.

2. Understand that it’s completely about you

Wait, didn’t I just say that it wasn’t about you? Yes. But also: it’s entirely about you. Meaning this: betrayal of your trust by someone else reflects a betrayal of yourself by yourself. For example, in my situation, my body had tried to warn me in a hundred different ways that something wasn’t right. But, I dismissed the headaches, insomnia, and nightmares. So—where was the real betrayal? 

None of this is to transfer blame from the other person to yourself. It’s more practical than that: becoming aware of where or how we have wronged ourselves is how we ensure we don’t do it again. As author Byron Katie says, “As long as you think that the cause of you problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless.”

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” – Socrates

3. Forgive…or not

Many people believe that forgiveness is an important part of healing from betrayal. I agree that it can be, but forgiveness is a complicated thing, one that we often misunderstand. Often, we offer it too soon, trying to pretend that we’re “above it all” before we’ve fully processed the hurt. 

For forgiveness to be freeing, it needs to be an act that is all about what it does for you, not the other person, not a bystander, not even a well-meaning advisor. And forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing that person back into your life again at any level. When forgiveness works best, it resets your boundaries—the same boundaries that were violated in the relationship. And, it helps you reclaim space in your heart and mind that was transgressed. 

4. Cut ties

To effectively heal from a betrayal, you have to put yourself in a protective bubble. The best way to do this is to cut all ties, whether this is on social media or leaving in-person friend groups or social circles. For the time being, you need to put your well-being ahead of everyone else. While this can feel like extra punishment, wrapping yourself in a protective bubble means that you won’t suddenly see a picture come across your phone that reopens wounds that were just about to heal. Yes, you’re strong, but being around people who remind you of the offender will only slow your healing.

Don’t forget the energetic ties, too, and cut the “chords” that were created between you. This can be done via journaling or meditation, where you visualize these connections and imagine taking scissors to them. You will be amazed at how quickly this simple practice frees up space in your mind and heart.

5. Renegotiate your relationships

This is the step where you get to renegotiate your relationships—starting with the one with yourself. Can you see the signs you missed? Can you make peace with your emotions and body for their efforts in the situation? And, will you commit to listening more closely to the still, small voice within you that might point out something you don’t want to see? While we can’t always heal the damage betrayal does in a relationship, we can develop a deeper reliance on our body’s signs and signals from now on. 

You know you’re healing when…

You know you’re healing when you can look back on a person or an event and not feel your heart race or your palms sweat. You’re healing when that person doesn’t take up so much space or time in your life, or when hours or days go by without thinking of them. And, after enough time goes by, you know you are healed when you can look back with compassion for yourself while also recognizing how much wiser you’ve become. One day, you might even thank that person for making you who you are today. I know that sounds crazy, especially if you’re fresh off a betrayal. Ten years ago, I would have agreed that the idea of thanking my ex-partner was bonkers. But here I am, and I have nothing in my heart left around this situation except gratitude and understanding.

No one ever wants to experience a betrayal. But, if you do find yourself with the proverbial knife in your back, you can use these steps to melt that knife into wisdom, discernment, and a more intimate, trusting relationship with yourself, which will translate into healthier relationships with others going forward.

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Until you recognize the signs of having trust issues, you can’t take the necessary steps toward healing.

And that’s what you need right now.

Because somewhere along the way, someone broke your trust.

A lover, a friend, a spouse.

And the effects of that betrayal or failure don’t just go away.

Fortunately, the more you know, the sooner you can learn how to fix trust issues and build stronger, more connected romantic relationships.

Should I Be in a Relationship If I Have Trust Issues?

The short answer is no — not until you resolve or heal the causes of your lack of trust.

However, you may not be in the position to walk away from your relationship.

Or you may not want to, even though it’s painful.

At the root of your trust issues is the belief that you don’t deserve a relationship where you feel loved unconditionally and worth more than your usefulness.

Perhaps you’ve gotten accustomed to feeling like a supporting actor.

So, you play your role, expecting an end that will reinforce your bit-player identity.

No one likes to walk on eggshells around other people, especially not someone who is supposed to love and care for you.

So at some point, there’s a crunch (accidental or not).

And it’s almost a relief to stop pretending trust was even a possibility. When things come to a head like this, you may decide you want out. Or you want help.

Can Couples Overcome Trust Issues?

Of course, they can.

But you can’t know how to resolve trust issues on your own or without work and commitment from both partners. This work requires meeting regularly with a couple’s therapist to help you address how they impact your relationship.

Fortunately, it’s well worth the effort.

When you build trust in a relationship, you believe the other person will take your feelings, thoughts, and best interests into account when making decisions that affect you.

This level of care and mutual dependability allows for vulnerability — which leads to deeper emotional intimacy as a couple. You both feel safe and secure to be yourselves without fear of rejection, betrayal, or abandonment.

Dealing with Trust Issues in a Relationship

Maybe you’re wondering how to save a relationship without trust. You have a lot invested after all. But relationships with no trust are an uneasy truce. You never feel that deep connection you long for.

Without trust, it’s impossible to build a real and lasting love partnership. You’re stuck in limbo, wondering, “Who will hurt the other first?”

Coping with this tension and trying to “make the relationship work” is no easy task. You may tiptoe around the elephant in the room and hope to cobble together some semblance of a marriage or intimate relationship.

Or sometimes you’ll sabotage your own efforts just to get it over with.

It’s easier to shut the person out if you feel attacked or expect him or her to turn on you or hurt you at any moment.

What Causes Trust Issues in a Relationship?

At this point, you might be wondering, “But what causes my trust issues?”

You may have grown up with a loving family, and you can’t for the life of you understand why you expect people to reject or abandon you. What could lie at the root of your fears?

Or there may be events from childhood or adolescence that contributed to your insecurities.

Here are few possible explanations:

• Negative childhood experiences, family dysfunction, or trauma.
• Social rejection or being bullied as a teen.
• Having low self-esteem and feeling unworthy due to criticism or belittling by adults.
• Being cheated on or abandoned in past relationships.
• Being physically abused or violated in past relationships.

Learning how to trust again in a way that benefits you and your partner involves risk.

We don’t mean the kind of risk where you throw caution to the wind and let your guard down too quickly.

We’re talking about the risk and pain of having to unpack your issues, and still never completely knowing whether or not you’ll get hurt again.

But there are ways to mitigate that risk, and working on these steps is so worth the effort for your future happiness in a relationship and for your self-esteem.

How to Fix Trust Issues in a Relationship: 9 Effective Strategies

Consider the following steps for building trust in a way that honors your needs as well as those of your partner. Remember, you may need the support of a therapist as you work on trust issues in marriage or a committed relationship.

1. Open the lines of communication. 

You’ve been hiding your thoughts and feelings for fear of rejection. Take a risk and speak up. Even if someone disagrees with you, the more you respectfully communicate your point of view, the braver you’ll be.

When you begin a new relationship, talk about how much you value trust and find out what the other person feels about it. You can ask questions like:

• What does trust in a relationship mean to you?
• What would feel like a breech of trust? 
• How can we make each other feel more secure and trusting in our relationship?

The answers to these questions will reveal so much about the other person and whether are not they are worthy of your trust. 

2. Learn how trust is earned and what makes someone trustworthy.

Trusting too quickly is as counter-productive as shutting down and refusing to trust. And if you see yourself as untrustworthy, you’re also more likely to project that onto others.

Learn what it really means to have this quality and see it in others. Trustworthy people are:

• Honest and authentic
• Loyal
• Dependable
• Respectful of themselves and others
• Consistent in what they say and do
• Caring and genuinely interested in other people
• Respectful of your boundaries
• Trusted by many friends, co-workers, and past partners
• Able to speak difficult truths in loving ways
• Guided by their values and integrity

3. Learn to see people as individuals rather than groups.

The more you generalize or make assumptions about people as a group, the easier it is to keep the walls up. Learn to see each as an individual with needs and concerns as valid as your own.

Of course, it will require you to invest time and emotional energy in getting to know someone on a deeper level. And that involves some risk.

But if you don’t give people a chance to reveal their good character, you might miss an opportunity for a wonderful connection.

4. Identify your triggers.

Some situations will set off alarms in your head and get your imagination working overtime on all the ways someone might hurt you. Learn to identify those triggers and interpret them differently.

Your knee-jerk reaction about someone’s words or behavior could be based on your past pain — not on reality. Look at the entirety of a person, and don’t write them off over something you perceive as a trust warning. 

5. Start small to regain faith in other people.

Give people small opportunities to show their trustworthiness. Instead of spying on them or assuming the worst, give them the space and encouragement to do right by you.

We are all flawed, and even the best of us will break the trust of others and say or do hurtful things. But that doesn’t mean it will be a consistent pattern.

You can recognize a serial trust abuser by patterns of behavior — not by one-off mistakes. 

People make mistakes, even when they’re doing their best to avoid them. Make some allowances for human frailty and don’t expect more of others than you do of yourself.

6. Swap out worst-case scenarios for hopeful ones.

Before you sabotage your relationship to realize a self-fulfilling prophecy, consider more hopeful interpretations of their actions. And talk to them about what you’re feeling.

You don’t want your fears and insecurities to sabotage an otherwise good relationship. Do your best to manage your fears with positive self-talk and reality checks. 

Talk to a trusted friend or counselor about your fears and whether or not the behavior of your new friend or lover merits your concerns. 

7. Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

It’s common to close yourself off after you’ve been hurt or betrayed. You don’t want to show your feelings if you think the other person might run away or treat you poorly.

You think you need to protect yourself in order to prevent further pain. But closing yourself off too much doesn’t afford the chance for the relationship to bloom.

You don’t have to shout, “I love you” after the first date or “Will you be my best friend?” when first introduced to someone.

But over time, reveal more and more about yourself as you recognize the traits of trustworthy people outlined above. 

8. Step into their shoes.

If the roles were reversed and your partner spied on you, read your text messages, cyber-stalked you, or kept you at arm’s length, how would you feel? And what might you do about it?

Give this person in your life the benefit of the doubt before you go to extreme measures. Snooping and suspicion are not attractive behaviors.

9. Build your confidence and self-esteem.

Take daily action to build your confidence and get to know yourself better. Pursue your interests, develop your skills, and take more risks. And look for ways to lift up others, too.

The better you feel about yourself and your own worthiness, the better your “trust radar” will be. You’ll more easily recognize people who lack the integrity to merit your trust. 

And you’ll be drawn to those who appreciate you and find you interesting, fun, and attractive.

Where will you begin?

Now that you have an idea of how to get over trust issues and if you have them, what actions will you take today to begin healing yourself and building stronger relationships?

This isn’t about blaming others for your trust issues. Yes, other people were likely involved. But just as you need to forgive yourself in order to heal, you also need to forgive those who’ve hurt you.

You don’t have to be involved with them, or with anyone unworthy of your trust.

But don’t let your happiness and growth depend on someone else. Real strength means forgiving as well as taking action to protect yourself and others from toxic people.

Both are essential to learning how to trust again.

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